FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
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If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
When you let grandma cat sit
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.