Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
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He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key