Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

New skill unlocked

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit