@matt___nelson

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

- @matt___nelson

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my parents: how come you never socialize with the family?

me: *sits with family*

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*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
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5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

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5: You fed me.

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I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

@thejessbess

This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.

@williamwanton

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

@RandomlyMJ

Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.

@TheCiscoKidder

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

@rolldiggity

Hate when I’m being chased by a shark and I make it to land, only to find out he’s tied to the back of a tiger.