*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
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new record!
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 馃槧
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 馃槨
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 馃槨馃槨馃槨
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You鈥檙e supposed to cook it
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I doubt my humanity the most when I鈥檓 trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 馃槨馃棷
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT鈥橲 WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s s茅ance!
Google Pay be like:
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful