i have never needed anything in my life more than this
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I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it