*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
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[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE