@MariyaAlexander

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

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@climaxximus

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

@4shish

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

@Reel2Dialog2

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

@Bownuggets

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

@KellyMeldrum

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

@h0sh1ko

GUYS THE TEQUILA KARAOKE GUY MADE IT TO AMERICA’S GOT TALENT AND ACTUALLY GOT FOUR YESES IM CRYING

@TweetPotato314

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

@sassy__cat6

My 10yo said when they’re mean to people they miss recess.

A lot of you need to miss recess.

@T_N_Crumpets

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now