Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
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earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater