Most guys: send noodes
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
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If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
i appreciate the song “the boys are back in town” because it answers the age-old question: are the boys back in town y/n?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
If you tell me I can only have sex with your sister over your dead body,
your funeral is going to be awkward for some of your family.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall
me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light