[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
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the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
(Musicians.)
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
🤣🤣
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.