ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
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me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Hi I’m here for my vasectomy.
“Would you like that toasted?”
“Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let’s do this.”
In hell, your socks are always wet
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope