feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

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BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.


HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.


I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.


And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”


wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife *lets her in*


What a cute baby, what’s her name?


She’s gonna make a great grandmother