feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
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My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
A dad and his duck
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts