Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
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ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
them: describe yourself in 6 wor—
me: the spaghetti stained tupperware of people
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Though I hear their
he’s so proud of his haul.
but was it fire…?
I run faster when I hear country music than sirens.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!