Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
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MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.