When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
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Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.