@mattgallo123

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

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@BBQJones28

When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”

@Beyerstein

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

@shopkins776

*hand grenades*
*blow torch*
*AK 47*
*sulfuric acid*
*ninja training*

My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.

@sparticus_af

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

@LOUD_Thoughts_

I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

@impaulmccoy

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

@idkzac_

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

@Darlainky

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

@WheelTod

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

@RichHarris2

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.