Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

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Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.


ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked


[speed dating]

them: describe yourself in 6 wor—

me: the spaghetti stained tupperware of people


Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.


Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”


I run faster when I hear country music than sirens.


Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.