Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
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I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
My teenage children choosing violence
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)