Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
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*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Why are bridges so flammable.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin