god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
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Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.
My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Cylinder? Tater tot!
– me teaching our 2yr old shapes
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
“…and I would’ve won if it weren’t for you meddling minorities, women, gays, young people…” – Mitt Romney #ScoobyDooVillain
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn