February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

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Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.

Somebody tell her, I can’t.


My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.


I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.


Biden: So here’s the plan, I’ll tackle him and you go in for the knockout

Obama: Joe please.

Biden: too far? Okay what about-



Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.


if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it


Him-You have the most beautiful lips.

Me-Wait…how do you know what my…..
Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi!
Yes, I know.
Thank you.


“Do as many squats as you feel like, I don’t want to get involved.”

– impersonal trainer


cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya


Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks