February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
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[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
this is the news I live for
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth