@kimlockhartga

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

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@WilliamAder

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

@GrillinChillin9

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

@KenJennings

FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr

@bonehugsnirony

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

@DurtMcHurtt

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

@illTortuga

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

@iwearaonesie

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous