@kimlockhartga

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

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@TheHyyyype

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

@crmotwo

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

@captainkalvis

me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50

Date: oh dear god no

Me: *counting my money* what about $57?

@mortimermaiden

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

@TheHyyyype

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

@AmericanGent69

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

@GrantTanaka

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

@liv_thatsme

I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.

@ehchino

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names