“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

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And the he told me he was kilt shopping.
So, apparently I’m married to Braveheart.


[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*


Yes, autocorrect, that’s right. I hate that stupid ditch


“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review


Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.


My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.


*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!


The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day


HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.