“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

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Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.


The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive


FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr


boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer


Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.


COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.


I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.


wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous