@kimlockhartga

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

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@Mulva74

And the he told me he was kilt shopping.
So, apparently I’m married to Braveheart.

@UnFitz

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

@dumbbeezie

Yes, autocorrect, that’s right. I hate that stupid ditch

@YSylon

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

@briancthayer

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

@DadandBuried

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

@iLikeCatShirts

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

@Ygrene

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

@Jake_Vig

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.