“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
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*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
#winning
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.