“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
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[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
he’s doing your taxes
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
awkward
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”