fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

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Taking a nap now. If you’re tempted to wake me, please remember Jurassic Park. Just because we can do it, doesn’t always mean we should.


*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.


*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac


Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine


How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.


Wife:How’d you sleep?

Me: Fine except I got in a gun fight and died and went to the store because I ran out of shampoo




Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.


If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?


Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.


Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children