fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
You Might Also Like
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Sticker placement is key.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I think they could have phrased this better
Free him
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!