FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
You Might Also Like
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Damn he played himself
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
i think my razor is having a panic attack
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.