FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
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I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist