If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
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I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!