I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
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1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
never ask a starfish for directions
How times have changed.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.