“feed the cat”

– boring
– oversimplifies the dynamic
– sounds like a chore

“fatten the beast”

– interesting
– pleasing to the ear
– gives power where power is due

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Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile


[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Me: Outside?
Me: Go outside?
Me: Let’s go outside!
Me: Fine.
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.


DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.


The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.


When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.


Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”