[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
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In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
yall want some gasoline milk
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”