[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

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Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.


The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground


It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.


If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need.

Don’t concern yourself with how I got in your house.


“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation


DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?

ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris


ME: (to son) what’s wrong 97FordF150?


Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I’m pretending I’m gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.


If you open a door for me, I will lick you. Sometimes it’s awkward.


To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now


People are like trees: you can figure out their age by cutting into them & counting the rings.

Right? I didn’t do this for nothing, right?