@ojedge

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

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@AsgardianRose

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

@sploosk

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

@MomOnFire

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

@laughandrun

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need.

Don’t concern yourself with how I got in your house.

@causticbob

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

@SteveSuckington

DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?

ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris

SON: OMG!!

ME: (to son) what’s wrong 97FordF150?

@_steamy_mac

Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I’m pretending I’m gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.

@jnrbtsn

If you open a door for me, I will lick you. Sometimes it’s awkward.

@mas6228

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

@karencheee

People are like trees: you can figure out their age by cutting into them & counting the rings.

Right? I didn’t do this for nothing, right?