[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
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(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.