[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
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I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
So true for me
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.