[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
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Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”