*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
our love story in four pictures
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy