*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Teller: you suck at art
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I just steam cleaned my carpets and wondered how difficult a homicide would be to clean up.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
How to get out of a bad date.
1. Pull fake baby out of your bag.
2. Tell your date to help pick a name.
3. Start taking family photos.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck