@JoeBerkowitz

Feel like Hollywood keeps churning out the same movie again and again.

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@AndrewsNotFunny

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

@thegynomite

Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. “Attempt 7 of 25”.

@novicefather

I just steam cleaned my carpets and wondered how difficult a homicide would be to clean up.

@Reverend_Scott

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

@SentenceReduced

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

@Extranaut

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

@goodballs

How to get out of a bad date.

1. Pull fake baby out of your bag.
2. Tell your date to help pick a name.
3. Start taking family photos.

@lazerdoov

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

@bobvulfov

[funeral]
WIDOW: iβ€”i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck