The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
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Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
A woman drives into a bar.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!