@JoeBerkowitz

Feel like Hollywood keeps churning out the same movie again and again.

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@prodigal_bran

6: Dad, did you used to be a cop?

Me: No, why do you ask? Is it because I’m cool under pressure and demand your respect?

6: No, I found handcuffs under your bed.

@kumailn

Even Al Qaeda is like “These ISIS guys are a bit much no?”

@runner_mom2

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

@AdamBroud

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

@murrman5

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

@mdob11

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

@RdrJay47

A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”

@daemonic3

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

@GrabTheWEness

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: What are Nazis?

Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago

5: Why were they bad?

Me: They kept correcting our grammar