6: Dad, did you used to be a cop?
Me: No, why do you ask? Is it because I’m cool under pressure and demand your respect?
6: No, I found handcuffs under your bed.
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Even Al Qaeda is like “These ISIS guys are a bit much no?”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
5-year-old: What are Nazis?
Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago
5: Why were they bad?
Me: They kept correcting our grammar