“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
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Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“A little help here, Danny?”
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really