Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
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Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Body by cheese-puffs.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname