Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
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Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave