Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
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I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐