[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
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“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.