@SoVeryBritish

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

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@FrogAvalanche

News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say.
*cut to correspondent*
Correspondent: This.

@brunopieroni

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

@RunOldMan

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

@KKAlThani

I can relate to people who say they need to rest so they can recover after a tough workout. I feel exactly the same after a heavy meal.

@robwhisman

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

@breeinthestee

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

@girlontapas

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

@MichaelTrying

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

@_coryrichardson

me: why does no one like me

therapist: [flips through notes] i could give you so many reasons