Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
You Might Also Like
Spider-cat: No One Home
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
There is no “ea” in Tim.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.