Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

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I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.


Dad! I found great Black Friday deals on Amazon!

Pffft… Back in my day, we used to walk barefoot in the snow to Walmart, both ways, stampede, elbow, and tackle other shoppers to the ground just to get good a deal on a toaster


My son just said he doesn’t like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood


I saw something yesterday that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it.


Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty


I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.


[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt


People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up