@maddyalou

Feeling sick at work.
Subway to the bus-$5
Bus to commuter lot-$2
Puking in my car-$0
Guy in the car next to me puking in response-priceless

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@Home_Halfway

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

@suecorvette

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

@EndhooS

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

@lincnotfound

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

@Gooooats

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.

@TheAlexNevil

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

@mynameisntdave

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

@goofballbirkla

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

@crylenol

*Ouija board begins spelling*
H-A-V-E_S-O-M-E
“Ooooh, spooky”
G-R-A-N-D-C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N
“Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else”