Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
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I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks