Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
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Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.