Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
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Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.