Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

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Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.


We should let prisoners take their own mug shots…I shall call it “The cellfie”


When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”


The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.


Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.


Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.


*takes call from mom*

*puts mom on speaker*

*cleans entire house*


shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog