Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
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When you pick your nose after dusting the house
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.