*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

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[meeting zac efron at a book signing six years after my wife said she thought he was handsome]

well hello there mister home wrecker


[At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.


Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.


My neighbour wasn’t in when her wedding dress was delivered. She called to ask me if I would take it in for her, so I did and now she’s mad because I made it too tight.


My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”


“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.


Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.


[Phone rings]
Babysitter: Hello?
Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs.
Babysitter: Wha.. What’s upstairs?


My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.