@golubeerji

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

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@yoopnative

My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet.
Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

@DiscoFruit

me: *lights cig* do u smoke?
girl: no, cigarettes killed my father
me: oh, cancer..?
her: no, an army of them, gunned him down
me: wait what

@robdelaney

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

@cottoncandaddy

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

@clichedout

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

@kelkulus

The Russian version of “How I Met Your Mother” is just a single episode showing a guy browsing a web page.

@EricaWhoToYou

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