My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet.
Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
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HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
me: *lights cig* do u smoke?
girl: no, cigarettes killed my father
me: oh, cancer..?
her: no, an army of them, gunned him down
me: wait what
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
me: dogs have 4 legs
me: so do tables
me: so dogs are tables
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
The Russian version of “How I Met Your Mother” is just a single episode showing a guy browsing a web page.
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