*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

You Might Also Like


My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet.
Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.


[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU


me: *lights cig* do u smoke?
girl: no, cigarettes killed my father
me: oh, cancer..?
her: no, an army of them, gunned him down
me: wait what


9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.


why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime


me: dogs have 4 legs


me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen


I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.


The Russian version of “How I Met Your Mother” is just a single episode showing a guy browsing a web page.


Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?