*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
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[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
waiting for halloween be like:
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”