*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
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Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I ate everything, including the H.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”