*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

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[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*


[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.


When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.


My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana


FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake


Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet