*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
You Might Also Like
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I’m listening
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…