@eddiesteadyno

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

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@OreoSpeedwagon_

Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position
Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything.
Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon
Brain: oh dear

@dance_blessed

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

@Sam19eighty

Mom: I’m worried you might end up alone. nMe: Don’t worry mom, do you know how many followers i have???nMom: … ( Worried face)

@mommajessiec

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

@chuuew

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

@Mikecanrant

Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.

@AbbyHasIssues

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!