[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
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I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
*strokes your eyebrows the wrong way while your sleeping
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
The elderly almost never expect a leg sweep.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet