Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
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So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?