*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
You Might Also Like
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Become ungovernable.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵