“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
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JON: What should I do with these extra mustard packs?
MARY: Just stuff ’em in the Lazy Susan.
SUSAN: Hey, I’m right here! (*remains seated*)
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
To show off my “Downton Abbey etiquette” at the gym, I don’t throw punches at the punching bag. I just say something witty and cruel to it.
Previously On Persistence 😎
David Attenborough: She looked lovely as she sat down to dine
Her: Are you narrating this date?
David: It was the only thing he knew to do
*sees couple holding hands*
*violently breaks them apart*
“Go. You’re free now.”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.