*feels the wind in my toe hair
You Might Also Like
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
definitely did not do anything wrong
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing