Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
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Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
HR said no more nunchucks.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you