Fell asleep eating the cat

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I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.


My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.


I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”


Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying


[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later


Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything


My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.


Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”