@Bob_Animal

Fell asleep eating the cat

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@MagsWoodward

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

@msdanifernandez

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

@13spencer

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

@theewren

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

@alexlumaga

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

@abbycohenwl

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

@RtrJan

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

@ValeeGrrl

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”