Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
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Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick