Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

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5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They’re so cool!
Me: Whats so cool about turtles?
5yo: They can breath thru their butts!
Me: Grab your coat..


How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.


*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come


why are clothes so expensive???? i should not have to pay this much to not be naked. people should pay ME to not be naked


CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
CINDERELLA: im being abused
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit


I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.


I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.


its all fun and games until someone loses an I?. then we cant play scrabble anymor


7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!