5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They’re so cool!
Me: Whats so cool about turtles?
5yo: They can breath thru their butts!
Me: Grab your coat..
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
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How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
why are clothes so expensive???? i should not have to pay this much to not be naked. people should pay ME to not be naked
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
CINDERELLA: im being abused
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
its all fun and games until someone loses an I?. then we cant play scrabble anymor
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!